I will NOT be her-- & that is my superpower

"𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒏𝒆𝒈𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒂 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆. 𝑹𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕"

Today, some random picture popped up with this quote. Typically, I would just heart and share like the rest of us, as I am sure you've seen most of my page consists of those anyways. However, I've been dealing with some pretty heavy shit going on in my life lately and for some reason I just felt this specific quote a little more than the rest.

Growing up, I was raised mainly by my mother. I like to say a "single-parent household" in reality she was never single. She always had some loser partner she was taking care of, a new "dad" for us every few months. I remember thinking that I would never do that to my children. I remember feeling like she didn't care about me because if she did, she wouldn't have these weirdo's in and out of my house all the time.

Throughout the years, I have always given myself props for not "turning out like my mother". It wasn't until recently I realized how much like my mother I truly am. I may not have different partners in and out of my children's life, however I have always done exactly what my mother did to keep them around. I have caved in moments I should have stood up for myself; I have never allowed myself to have boundaries in any aspect of my life, I have allowed the minimal boundaries I pretended to set be walked all over and then I would apologize for having the boundary to begin with.

I have realized throughout the years, that my mother didn't do what she did because she just wanted to hop around from one relationship to the next, but realistically she was bending and molding herself continuously to make sure these men wouldn't leave, she was becoming all of the things they wanted her to be so they would stay, she was begging them to love her and giving up pieces of who she was in the process. She was also negotiating her way into their lives on their terms, never thinking about the one who would love her for everything she already was.

Recently, this awakening has been screaming in my face. Making me feel uneasy in my skin, like I could literally crawl out of the body that holds me. Not because I am begging to be loved, but because I have spent years changing who I am for fear of being her, for fear of people leaving me based on who I am, because of the fear of never creating a boundary I've held anyone too. So ultimately, I have been giving up pieces of me for years, pieces of me I'll never get back, pieces of me that I will never be able to be again because I lost them when those lines were crossed, I gave them up in hopes that someone would love me more because of it. I was negotiating.

I am on this journey of growth & healing.

A journey of self-reflection and self-discovery.

A journey I didn't even know I needed until I could feel myself exploding from the inside.

A journey that is painful and emotional and confusing.

A journey that I hope will lead me directly where I need to be in a better, healthier, stronger and more healed place.

A journey where I will always know what I deserve.

I will never bend my boundaries for anyone, and I most definitely will never negotiate my way into someone's heart, because if I have learned anything throughout this journey it's that I deserve everything I desire and more, I deserve the love that I put out, I deserve my cup to be filled in the same way that I fill others.

I will never accept less than that.

I will never be my mother.