The girl that thought she needed to disappear

𝐓𝐨𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐈 𝐬𝐚𝐰 𝐚 𝐪𝐮𝐨𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝:

“I forgive myself for viewing someone’s lack of reciprocation as a challenge to convince them of my worth.”

… and it cracked something wide open inside of me.

Because that?

That is me.

That is my trauma.

That is the unhealed little girl inside of me still trying to earn love the only way she was ever taught.

You see, I grew up watching a woman I often refer to as the woman with chameleon skin.

My mother changed everything about herself

her voice, her values, her hobbies, her very essence...to match whatever man was around at the time.

& there were 𝐌𝐔𝐋𝐓𝐈𝐏𝐋𝐄 … in and out of my life quicker than I could even learn their names.

& through that, I learned something that would take me decades to unlearn:

That love is earned by disappearing into someone else.

That attention is the same as affection.

That loyalty means staying, even when it hurts.

That if someone doesn’t love you back, you just need to try harder.

So, I became a master at shapeshifting.

I dimmed myself to make others shine.

I made their silence a mirror and blamed my reflection.

I stayed longer than I should have in places I should have never been.

Not because I didn’t know I was breaking

but because I thought breaking was part of the process of being loved.

But I’m learning now.

I’m forgiving myself for confusing love with survival.

I’m unlearning the idea that someone else’s inability to love me means I’m unlovable.

I’m slowly, painfully, beautifully learning who I was before I thought I had to become everyone else just to be enough.

& most importantly

I’m realizing that real love doesn’t ask you to become smaller.

Real love meets you as you are.

& if someone cannot meet me there, I will not carry the burden of convincing them anymore.

This healing? It’s brutal.

But it’s honest.

& every day, I peel back another layer of the lies I was raised on.

& I hold that little girl who never felt like she was enough... and I tell her:

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐲. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐚𝐫𝐞. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞. 𝐉𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐞.